Don't Wait 6 Years to Save Your Relationship
According to research done by the Gottman Institute, the average couple struggles through serious issues in their relationship for an average of 6-7 years before making the move to get professional help. Imagine leaving a gash on your leg untreated for 6 years: no washing of the wound, no antiseptic; if there was a leg left at all anymore it wouldn’t be a very pretty site to see. If left unattended for years, large relational wounds can fester such a deep resentment and contempt that it makes what was a manageable concern a decade before now a chasm of despair and doubt. An initial annoyance and pain is now a fixed pattern with not just one example but dozens and dozens of recurrences and reaffirmations that “you always”, “you never”.
Don’t let this happen to your relationship. Here are 5 signs that it’s time to call the therapist, schedule the appointment, get it on your calendar and don’t let another anniversary go by with empty promises, smiling photos that are hiding empty eyes and aching hearts.
You’ve Already Considered Going to Couple’s Therapy
This first is probably obvious but it still needs to be said: If you are curious and thinking about it, then go! You shouldn’t wait until you feel you are in a dire circumstance to get help. Don’t wait and bring your trampled down, half-dead-on-the-side-of-the-street raccoon of a relationship to therapy and expect a miracle fix. The phrase “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” is applicable here. Couples that come in with enough good-heartedness and friendship toward each other have a much stronger foundation for healing.
Now I’d also like to note that maybe half of you in the relationship is thinking “awesome, yes I’d love to go BUT I know my partner would not be on board”. If that’s the case, then ok. Still make the request, have the therapist reach out and invite them as well. If it’s not dire but you’d still like to get a jumpstart on relational recovery, start with individual therapy.
I’d also like to talk to the sweet humans who are saying to themselves “Well great, it’s too late for us then…” we are drowning in misery, I have no hope and we are hanging on by half of a thread. First of all, I’m so sorry, you must be in a lot of pain. If you’re not done yet, please still call. You never know what’s possible. Having an extra “brain” in the room with a fresh set of eyes on the situation will still do the work of bringing balance and additional resourcing that isn’t accessible with just the two of you. Couples on the brink do have some unique leverage of “make it or break it” energy that can inspire some of the most transformative changes.
You Don’t Argue, But You’re Still Unhappy
Maybe you’re watching TV and the movies and reality shows full of drama, loud, volatile screaming matches are happening, plates and forks are flying across the screen in front of you, and you think to yourself “Man… we’re not doing that great, but we’re not doing that so we must be ok”. You don’t have to settle for “ok”. A lack of overt conflict isn't the same as a healthy, connected relationship. Silence and distance can be just as damaging as any argument.
You Have the Same Fight Over and Over Again
If you feel like you're stuck on a merry-go-round, having the exact same argument about money, chores, or family with no progress, it's a major red flag. This cycle indicates that you're unable to get to the root of the issue or communicate in a way that leads to resolution. You're just rehearsing the same script, and the frustration only deepens with each repetition.
The Hard Outweighs the Good
When you take a step back and honestly assess your relationship, do the moments of tension, disappointment, and loneliness far outnumber the moments of joy, connection, and laughter? A relationship should be a source of support and happiness more often than it is a source of pain. If you're constantly feeling drained, criticized, or alone even when you're together, it's a sign that the dynamic needs professional attention.
Your Conflicts Never Reach a Resolution
Do your disagreements just... fizzle out? One of you walks away, you change the subject, or you simply decide to "drop it" without ever truly feeling heard or finding a solution? This pattern of unresolved conflict creates a backlog of hurt and resentment. Over time, this backlog becomes a wall between you, making true intimacy impossible. Learning how to navigate conflict to a healthy resolution is a core skill that therapy can provide.
